I have 21 blog drafts.

Yes, I have been writing blog posts; I just haven’t been publishing them!  I haven’t finished any of them either…..

But it’s okay.  No negative self talk here.  Lately I’ve been thinking about the process of writing; I realized that I’d sort of forgotten how writing helps me to think things out.  As for these 21 drafts, I started them because I had ideas or questions….and perhaps some possible solutions. The fact that I never published them is neither here nor there.  Maybe I wrote just enough to get myself to a better place.  And if writing does help me think things through it has done it’s job….I had quite a lot to think through…..

So, yes, I write for myself and if eventually others read what I write and are encouraged by my words, then all the better for it.  I’ve found, too, that what I end up writing and then understanding at the end of a post is sometimes very different than what I had intended when I began.  My writing has inadvertently taken me to places that I didn’t think I would go….places of deeper understanding that I didn’t see coming.

Yesterday I came across an advertisement for a class on writing as a form of healing, and I thought to myself, “Hey, I’ve done that!”  (The writing, that is, not the class.)  So, I got the bright, old idea that if I wrote out my thoughts I might bring myself to a place of brighter understanding…..and maybe I’ll even publish a post!  At the very least I can let all of you know what I’ve been up to.

I am pondering my journey.  A lot has happened since Andrew’s death.  I know that I would not be where I am had he not crossed over.  I know I’m on the right path.  I can feel it in my gut.  It is only when little uncertainties get into my brain that I sometimes start to doubt.  I look back on my last year and a half or so and I can easily earmark numerous things that have happened, people who have just shown up, coincidences that I know were much more than coincidence…and I know these things were meant to be.  There have been just too many synchronicities to count, and I shake my grateful head, wondering how and why and what will happen next.

You know, I have always wanted to have a job that was super helpful to other people.  Yes, raising children is an important job, and helping a singer to feel more confident is commendable, but I was always just awestruck after being taken care of by a great nurse or doctor.  I’d think about these people for days, weeks…..I still think about them.  That someone can be so helpful, or brilliant, or willing to do a “dirty” job in order to make a person feel better…..well, that kind of person is just amazing to me.  (I’m thinking especially of the hero nurses that helped me during my hospital stays.)  This feeling of wanting to be more helpful has continued to gnaw at me from the sidelines.  I have so often thought that I’d like to be able to help people like that.

Then I heard about reiki. “Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing.” (reiki.org)   After lots of research on this “life force energy” I signed up for Reiki I and II certifications classes.  Six months later I can say that reiki has changed my life.  In March I will take an ART (advanced reiki training) class, and possibly take the master class level as well.

I also discovered biofield tuning, which is a process of healing by the use of tuning forks whose tones bring the body back to its original vibration.  I’m taking a Biofield I training in Burlington, VT in April!  Musical healing….who would have thought……!

I’m very excited about my new direction, as I feel that these healing modalities will allow me to help people the way I’ve always wanted.  I plan to have clients and give distance sessions.

Maybe you are thinking that all this sounds a little out there?!

Well, I don’t do things on a whim.  My brief descriptions don’t do justice to the time I spent before making any decisions.  If Andrew were here he would concur and tell a story of how long it once took me to chose a brand of butter.  I know (have researched) and have seen (actually felt) the workings of these modalities.  I understand the science and believe the unexplainable.  These processes are not religious, but they are spiritual in nature.  In fact, before we had chemicals, etc, we had knowing and faith.  These things have had a very profound affect on me, and they are leading me to be a better and healthier person.

My long-standing book club girls and I met recently, and as we all caught up with each other I found myself saying, “I like myself better now.”  Thoughtfully, one of the girls said, “Well, we liked you before, too.”  Thanks!  : )  That’s what book club is for.  (Am I intimating that we don’t always read books?!)

I believe it is true that it can take a disastrous event to bring a person to a better life.  Looking back, I realize that I used to hold so much anger, jealousy and impatience in the palms of my hands…..Even though some days are still not easy  I feel like I am in a much better place now, even though there’s not anything that I, myself, have done to get me here.  The only thing I have done is just be open minded…..

I am so grateful.  I am fully aware that I still have many faults, but I’m not going to agonize over them.  The fact that I’m imperfect is not going to keep me from moving straight forward.  And I’m thinking that this new direction can only help me with all the other stuff going on in life…..

In the end I want to love myself, love others, and bring myself and hopefully others to a place of healing.

This “without” experience certainly has a lot of “with” in it.  I’m truly excited to see what will happen next.  I’m sure that being open is a key.  Living life with an open hand, releasing old beliefs and biases, not remaining stuck to what others believe or have taught you, going with your gut, your love, your heart, your being, being humble, releasing the grumpy thoughts that tie you to a place of pessimism……

Wait….I think I’m staring my next blog post!……Hmmmm, I wonder if I’ll finish it?!?

You can learn more about reiki at reiki.org.

Eileen McCusick’s new video on biofield tuning: youtube.com/watch?v=P04zQQ5QG9I