Remembering And Moving On

Today I got caught.

I got caught in the place in between…..the place between remembering and moving on.

It’s not a bad place to be.  But when you remember, and you find yourself in a sad place, that’s when you get caught.

It’s a dichotomy.  Actually it’s a di-caught-omy.  And the thing that did it to me was the single Asian pear that became the biggest harvest ever.


This was the Asian pear from my back yard.

It was the only pear produced by my Asian pair tree…..the Only pear this year.  But that is a wonderful thing!  A good thing.  A great thing!

Two years ago, before we moved into this house, Andrew asked me what I wanted for my birthday.  “I would like an Asian pear tree,” I said.  So Andrew gave me not only an Asian pear tree but also four lilac bushes, and we set out to plant them in the back yard.  We started with the pear tree.  “Dig a three-foot deep hole.”  That was one of the instructions for planting.  As it turned out, mixing the fertilizer stuff with the mulchy stuff was much easier than digging the hole for all of it!

It was a hot day.  We had moved in some furniture and were sweaty and tired.  Poor Andrew!  He was sweating and digging, digging and sweating…..well, trying to dig, I should say.  He looked at me and said, “Maybe we should ask Jerry?”

Our lovely neighbor, Jerry!  God bless Jerry!  Jerry was willing to join us for everything from handyman jobs to laugh-out-loud conversations in the middle of the road.  (I’m recalling that there may have been more of the latter!)  Andrew went to get Jerry and when he saw what we were doing he looked at Andrew……and he laughed!  He laughed and laughed and laughed!  “You’re never going to dig a three-foot hole in the Lemont dirt!”  Of course his response was all in fun, and telling this story is something I know Jerry has done on numerous occasions! Anyway, Jerry helped us dig a hole, we planted the pear tree and the lilacs, and we crossed our fingers.

Jerry             IMG_7139

(The first pic here is of neighbor Jerry laughing – notice the gardening tool in his hands! The second pic is of Andrew and neighbor Mike, who brought us a snack!)

Since then I’ve kept a fairly good eye on that tree.  And I’ve been hopeful since day one that it would take hold and eventually grow some fruit.  Last year it looked good in the spring, it was growing well, and after I learned about Reiki I would go out and visit it, sending it healing vibes.  This spring I went out into the yard not expecting to see anything on it at all, and what did I see?  One pear!  One Asian pear that had come from One blossom on my One tree!  Excitement!!!!!!

Today the pear was ready to pick!  The girls and I shared it while we were all here together.  I think Andrew was here with us too, and I think he was laughing at the whole scene (one pear, four girls).  Actually, he was probably feeling a little proud.  I’m a little sad that since it was an opportunity that we needed to take quickly I didn’t get to invite Jerry and his wife, Susan, to share in the pair cutting.  (They know about it now!)

IMG_4301                     IMG_4320


That Asian pear was the sweetest, most wonderful thing I’ve ever eaten in my whole life.

Earlier this week I caught a glimpse of the Asian pear tree in our old back yard.  Wow, is it loaded!  I sure loved that tree.  If anyone ever cuts it down I will cry.  Bob, the head of maintenance at Grier, will attest to the fact that I would.  Years ago there was a new guy helping with lawn care, and he didn’t quite know the ropes.  He was trimming bushes and really did a number on the pear tree.  I’m surprised it yielded anything after that!  I called Bob and I cried.  I literally cried over the phone.  “Please, Bob, don’t ever let anyone do that again!”  Bob was sympathetic (and maybe a little disturbed).  Thank you, Bob, for your understanding.

[For the record I just need to say how much I miss Bob, Little Bob, John, Bill, and all the guys who work tirelessly to make the school’s campus a beautiful, functioning place. Thank you.  Sorry, I got caught again….now, back to the blog.]

I would pick bags of pears and take them over to the school.  I’d give my friend, Yong Sook, full bags just for her, and she’d eat a whole bag in one day!  I’d make muffins, pies, and pear pancakes, etc., etc., etc…….  I’d have a basket sitting under the tree so the Grier girls could grab one that was ripe on the way to riding or wherever.

Sigh.  I remember it well.  I remember it well, and the remembering is good, but I can’t hold tightly to it.  The bit of sadness of this moment pays tribute to the gratefulness of the past moment.  I am also very grateful for this very moment.  This very moment is the Only one we have right now, just like that Only pear on the tree.

I imagine I will always be getting caught.  A snag here, a tug there.  I’ll get “caught” between the old and the new, and it will be okay.  And at that same moment I will be ready for what’s ahead.  I think what’s ahead can be pretty good if I let it.


I have a new tree to love.  It provides a really cool tie between what was and what is to come.  One pear will lead to many pears, and many memories pave the way for many more to come.

There’s another dichotomy, too.  There can be something new and beautiful that rises up out of a terrible tragedy.  Trimmed branches grow again  Life can spring up from almost nothing.  And healing comes after death.

Here’s to remembering….and moving on.


(Follow up note:  Jerry and Susan have relocated and I don’t get to see them like I used to.  When I got in touch with Jerry to ask for permission to use his part of the story he told me that he had fallen while trimming tree branches.  He broke some ribs, his back, and his leg!  He will be in a wheelchair for 10 weeks.  Please send prayers, good vibes, and healing intentions for this fabulous fellow and his patient spouse!  I have no doubt the he will rise to trim again!)


Darcy’s website:

Darcy’s Etsy store:

My Journey Toward Healing

I have 21 blog drafts.

Yes, I have been writing blog posts; I just haven’t been publishing them!  I haven’t finished any of them either…..

But it’s okay.  No negative self talk here.  Lately I’ve been thinking about the process of writing; I realized that I’d sort of forgotten how writing helps me to think things out.  As for these 21 drafts, I started them because I had ideas or questions….and perhaps some possible solutions. The fact that I never published them is neither here nor there.  Maybe I wrote just enough to get myself to a better place.  And if writing does help me think things through it has done it’s job….I had quite a lot to think through…..


So, yes, I write for myself and if eventually others read what I write and are encouraged by my words, then all the better for it.  I’ve found, too, that what I end up writing and then understanding at the end of a post is sometimes very different than what I had intended when I began.  My writing has inadvertently taken me to places that I didn’t think I would go….places of deeper understanding that I didn’t see coming.

Yesterday I came across an advertisement for a class on writing as a form of healing, and I thought to myself, “Hey, I’ve done that!”  (The writing, that is, not the class.)  So, I got the bright, old idea that if I wrote out my thoughts I might bring myself to a place of brighter understanding…..and maybe I’ll even publish a post!  At the very least I can let all of you know what I’ve been up to.

I am pondering my journey.  A lot has happened since Andrew’s death.  I know that I would not be where I am had he not crossed over.  I know I’m on the right path.  I can feel it in my gut.  It is only when little uncertainties get into my brain that I sometimes start to doubt.  I look back on my last year and a half or so and I can easily earmark numerous things that have happened, people who have just shown up, coincidences that I know were much more than coincidence…and I know these things were meant to be.  There have been just too many synchronicities to count, and I shake my grateful head, wondering how and why and what will happen next.


You know, I have always wanted to have a job that was super helpful to other people.  Yes, raising children is an important job, and helping a singer to feel more confident is commendable, but I was always just awestruck after being taken care of by a great nurse or doctor.  I’d think about these people for days, weeks…..I still think about them.  That someone can be so helpful, or brilliant, or willing to do a “dirty” job in order to make a person feel better…..well, that kind of person is just amazing to me.  (I’m thinking especially of the hero nurses that helped me during my hospital stays.)  This feeling of wanting to be more helpful has continued to gnaw at me from the sidelines.  I have so often thought that I’d like to be able to help people like that.

Then I heard about reiki. “Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing.” (   After lots of research on this “life force energy” I signed up for Reiki I and II certifications classes.  Six months later I can say that reiki has changed my life.  In March I will take an ART (advanced reiki training) class, and possibly take the master class level as well.

I also discovered biofield tuning, which is a process of healing by the use of tuning forks whose tones bring the body back to its original vibration.  I’m taking a Biofield I training in Burlington, VT in April!  Musical healing….who would have thought……!

I’m very excited about my new direction, as I feel that these healing modalities will allow me to help people the way I’ve always wanted.  I plan to have clients and give distance sessions.

Maybe you are thinking that all this sounds a little out there?!

Well, I don’t do things on a whim.  My brief descriptions don’t do justice to the time I spent before making any decisions.  If Andrew were here he would concur and tell a story of how long it once took me to chose a brand of butter.  I know (have researched) and have seen (actually felt) the workings of these modalities.  I understand the science and believe the unexplainable.  These processes are not religious, but they are spiritual in nature.  In fact, before we had chemicals, etc, we had knowing and faith.  These things have had a very profound affect on me, and they are leading me to be a better and healthier person.


My long-standing book club girls and I met recently, and as we all caught up with each other I found myself saying, “I like myself better now.”  Thoughtfully, one of the girls said, “Well, we liked you before, too.”  Thanks!  : )  That’s what book club is for.  (Am I intimating that we don’t always read books?!)

I believe it is true that it can take a disastrous event to bring a person to a better life.  Looking back, I realize that I used to hold so much anger, jealousy and impatience in the palms of my hands…..Even though some days are still not easy  I feel like I am in a much better place now, even though there’s not anything that I, myself, have done to get me here.  The only thing I have done is just be open minded…..

I am so grateful.  I am fully aware that I still have many faults, but I’m not going to agonize over them.  The fact that I’m imperfect is not going to keep me from moving straight forward.  And I’m thinking that this new direction can only help me with all the other stuff going on in life…..


In the end I want to love myself, love others, and bring myself and hopefully others to a place of healing.

This “without” experience certainly has a lot of “with” in it.  I’m truly excited to see what will happen next.  I’m sure that being open is a key.  Living life with an open hand, releasing old beliefs and biases, not remaining stuck to what others believe or have taught you, going with your gut, your love, your heart, your being, being humble, releasing the grumpy thoughts that tie you to a place of pessimism……

Wait….I think I’m staring my next blog post!……Hmmmm, I wonder if I’ll finish it?!?


You can learn more about reiki at

Eileen McCusick’s new video on biofield tuning: